Alright gang, tell me someways to set boundries better? It is very hard for me to be straight up with friends. Always find a way to skirt around things politely but I never just come out with it for fear of hurt feelings.
Calli if you don’t set your own boundaries no one else will!!!
Those closest to you and help you will understand that you are not having a good day and cannot help them today!!!
Plus anyone who doesn’t understand today you are very sick is not your true friend!!
Most important don’t feel guilty because you had to say no today!!!
Learn to be unapologetically you. Everything in this life doesn’t require an explanation. Once we begin offering explanations as to “why,” there’s always an expectation that you’ll change your mind. You are only responsible for what you say, your not responsible for how someone takes it, not even how or if they accept it. If it’s honest, then be honest, that doesn’t mean saying it a certain way for the sake of someone’s feelings. Being vocal is the root to setting boundaries, almost like- stepping stones in the process. But naturally we don’t want to ‘mishandle’ a person either, so (subconsciously) its hard to remember to be unwavering in your “no.” You know in advance that “no means no,” so repeat that to yourself, and BELEIVE THAT. If you don’t believe that, that boundary you have set is solid, it will fold. We have an invisible disease not invisible feelings. Take care of yours. Hope that helps! Love and blessings to you 💜
You have a long-term, often disabling illness. You don't have to serve /help anyone, but yourself if you are not able. You can be grateful without feeling guilty that you can't do something that day. perhaps if your friends are social media people, find a short, informative video about lupus, or the spoon theory. I will now tell my friends how many spoons I have left! And if it's for a later date, I let them know that I have no idea how I will be feeling that day. and then I usually cry! But that's my reality. The friends who understand are still my friends and the ones that always want something are not. I find that a lot of luppies, overdue it to please others, and all that gets me is a flare! And if you have to do the eggshell dance with someone, are they really healthy for you? You are worth being able to say that you can't do something, without any blowback (even passive aggressive snipes ).
Take care, and remember that "I'm not able today ", is not a mean sentence.
Establishing healthy boundaries is a journey that involves listening to yourself and finding the lies you believe about yourself and others at a deep level.
For me the answers and better boundaries came as I better understood myself at a deep level emotionally, mentally, healthwise and understood the roots of things like wanting others acceptance and approval. Seeing myself as the Lord sees me was key. As an amazing momma you know that love bec I see you give it to your kids and hubs. Love isn’t always sweetness light and rainbows, sometimes it’s drawing the line in the sand, faith and loving yourself. That kind of love is great for kids to see and models emotionally healthy self care habits that will serve them their whole lives. You teach people how to treat you. A good therapist could be helpful they’re just hard to find. Let me know if you would like some spiritual sources for reading, podcasts…
Better boundaries is a wide subject. @tejeeteer puts it very well.
I wonder what are you “having a hard time being straight up with friends” “skirting around”? Events?
In learning and establishing better boundaries the last two years I’ve found honesty with myself in regards to my boundaries to be primary. Do I believe it? if I don’t fat chance anyone else will accept it. I could tend to be overly flexible with schedule, energy, boundaries…That did not serve me well. The more positive experience has come from boundaries expressed matter of fact and with confidence. If you appear to be looking for permission, approval or agreement when placing a boundary people seem to see it as something fluid, changeable. Like how with kids it so often works best to be firm. You can be gentle and confident while being firm. You owe it to yourself to have as many good days as possible and will be all the better for your family as well by letting your yes be yes and no be no, not waffling or apologizing. A positive approach serves me best. Like when I get an invitation to do something at a time of day that’s notoriously difficult, giving a heartfelt, so happy you want to…., I’d love that! I can do it “in the morning” or “for an hour” this day… And often suggest a back up plan that will take less energy like just getting coffee or ordering takeout if I’m not up to cooking or sitting in a restaurant. If I have to cancel I’ll try to follow up with a call or card that includes an invitation for something manageable and maybe suggested a future activity, date.
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